I weight myself at Results: partly, because I like to convey a message to fellow Results members that I too am serious about this whole “working out” thing. Additionally I trust the gays, above all other human creatures, to make sure Results’s scale does not lie.
I historically oscillated between 145 and 148 pounds (to be compared with an “official” 5 ft 7 in height) for the last 2,5 years depending on the amount of sex I was getting (directly correlated to the amount I drink as I don’t hook up sober. Period). Three weeks ago, my weight suddenly snapped out of its sluggish pattern and increased at a faster-than-expected 2/3 lbs/week pace. At first, I did not pay attention to it blaming the increasing number of Enrique Iglesias songs in my ipod. However, I eventually reached an unheard-of 155 pounds on Sunday evening. I gasped of horror and started kicking the electronic scale before retreating hastily to the locker room. I found this sudden weight gain to be even more worrying considering the fact that I had been sober (….ok…more sober than usual) during the same period for the sad reasons we all know.
When I shared this tragic story with my friend Juan V., he blamed it on the ineluctable hormonal changes and slower metabolism associated to being in my late twenties. I hated the glandular explanation. Look at Mark H.! he is in his early forties and he only is vaguely overweight while his sex drive is clearly not waning. I finally isolated the peapod effect as the explanation. I have joined this grocery home delivery service upon my return from the unnamed destination. Practically, for the first time in my life I regularly fill my fridge with two weeks worth of groceries, which I end up eating in the two following days. In the Kevin D.’s era [circa 2003-2006], I was living on sporadic food supplies relying exclusively on pasta and tuna cans. Prosperity and convenience are threatening my delicate figures. LL, always wise, also indicated to me yesterday that cranberry juice and protein bars are fattening which I was of course completely unaware of.