The allergy conspiracy: a puffy eyed revolt

What is up with these so-called allergies? my eyes are so puffy and drippy these days that I consume one Kiehl’s eye treatment container a week and stumble around the office with trendy sunglasses. Everybody thinks LL dumped me for a  younger New Yorker with a full head of hair. It is “allergy season” I am told ….what again ? I thought Spring was “allergy season”. Is it like gay mating season ?. Now “Rag weeds” are supposed to be the cause of my allergies, what the f**ck are “Rag weeds”?  (we are learning so much just by reading FHC's resurrected blog, aren't we now?) I used to be in such a healthy condition in my youth and now I am dying. Thank God my allergist is a local star “named Top Doc in Washingtonian Magazine 2005” as well as a notable from the “American Board of Allergy”: I just feel better saying that loud. Patients flock to the office of Dr. Henry F. these days and he walks around with a satisfied grin on his face as if our misery was his personal victory over nature. Allergy is a wealthy people disease so his office is very well attended. It’s like a hip puffy-eyed pariahs club. Most deals on the hill are now done at allergy shots time in his K street office and puffy eyed, red nosed pimply lobbyists in a state of vertigo are giving away their business card when you come in. I was tested for allergies there, just after Laura B. who is only allergic to most root vegetables I am told (she is lucky… her father is also allergic to bee stings, facts, international treaties and Jacques C.). On the other hand Tristan is allergic to everything and Dr. FF hinted with a re-assuring wink that if I rub myself against a cockroach I might die. For someone who enjoys giving blowj**s to anonymous homeless people that’s always a challenge. He also told me that it was not only the city that was making me sick, but also my home and Olliver D. itself. As I was saying yesterday, I have killed one too many kittens and did not take that as an answer. I also felt it was too high of a commitment, what if Kevin (who probably got toxiplasmosis from Olliver and yet still feeds him) asks me “since you murdered my cat are your allergies any better?” and I have to answer no. How embarrassing for everybody involved (this being said killing a cat is easy, I hear you just need him to swallow Tylenol or a very small amount of antifreeze, no need for a machete in this case...not that I did any research). Plus Dr. F wrote once “the problem is inside you” in this very nice article “allergy myths” and it cannot be interpreted as a call for suicide among his patients. Like a never-satisfied, ever-inquiring child, I continued to ask questions on how to cure my allergies without murdering anybody, or at least anybody that is not a dust-mite, until Dr. F. hinted that there might be a magical very expensive time-consuming boring debilitating cure. In the pre-F era, I would take Benadryl, an allergy medication that would cause me to pass out after two drinks which was quite comfortable for my liver, now I get shots twice a week from a vicious nurse (the shots will only take effect in a few years) and stuff Nasinex in my nose in the morning (plus a few healthy uplifting morning lines). My weekly round of allergy shots coupled with regular heroin shots usually leaves me badly bruised in a pool of my own blood with puffy eyes but I am full of hope for the future.

Quickly in blogobadmannered, for once I had a fan but LL unleashed the full fury of his persecution (a.k.a. KMZ) against him as he had complimented me for my blog and bam ! Bluecitizen-where-are-thou ? I have no fan anymore. Thanks L&L, I’ll make do with "hate mail" from the angry Brazilians mob for now. (LL replies like yesterday : "He electrocuted himself in a mouse trap. I cannot possibly take the blame.") Finally, among other news, I watched "Bend it like Beckam" and LL promised to me I would get my own Indian Lesbian football player for christmas: it is the rage in London. Oh and they put down Goldie ! BON VOYAGE GOLDIE !

FHC, Esq.

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