NDLR: Could someone have told me I misspelled rational? you xenophobic f*ers ! !
The scene opens in FHC’s bedroom, he is alone in bed, his last few hairs disheveled, and has a 
faint bruise on his arm. We can hear him indistinctly sleeptalking about his mother. The alarm goes off.
Panicked FHC [in a far away groggy voice]: Vade retro Satanas... Huh? …What is it ? is it morning again ? where is LL ? [look at the clock]…oh no ! I cannot do that. I don't even believe in mondays...
FHC tries to stand up two or three times without success. Finally he rolls off from bed complaining and rubbing his puffy eyes, stares in the mirror. FHC discovers Rational FHC who is exercising in a corner of the room while quietly singing “Morning has broken” of Cat Stevens:
Rational FHC [all cheerful - winking]: Hey tiger!
Panicked FHC waking up [annoying whining voice]: Gosh, I feel sooo tired, I won’t make it this time. Let’s find the office number; I need to call in sick. My allergies are killing me: I need a new pillow, a new mattress and all the monstruous dust mites vacuumed.
Rational FHC [paternalistic tone]: Come on FHC, you slept all WE. You’re fine. Try to be positive. You know you have no allergies, you’re just hypochondriac. Breathe in -- Breathe out -- deeply. Yes. That’s it. In. Out.
Panicked FHC [to himself]: who let that f**er in ?
FHC goes to the computer and strikes unconvincingly some keys. He makes sounds halfway between a sob and a gasp as he starts to understand what is expected from him:
Panicked FHC [reading through the list on his laptop and obviously ready to cry]: I'm behind in blogging, email, work and pretty much everything. I have to reply to my grandparents for the Cyprus trip, I am running out of my anti-allergy serum, I have to go to the gym tonight and I am afraid of dying. I'm scared and I really need to learn how to drive. Please Help!!!
Rational FHC: [talking quietly but slightly irritated] You’re talking in your whining voice panicked FHC, and I have special ears. My ears cannot hear whiny voices. They only hear positive manly voices.
Panicked FHC [angry]: well why don’t you tell your funny ears to go f*ck off ?
Rational FHC: [yawning] Let’s stay polite. Please don't start your day out on the wrong foot, let’s stay positive no need to be dramatic. Open your eyes FHC and look around, the world is full of opportunities.
Panicked FHC [reproducing the sound of barfing]: I hate you. I really do.
FHC goes to the kitchen, mutters a funny line about “annoying ugly morning people” kicks Olliver-the-cat in the belly on the way and opens the fridge, stares at it for a few seconds and starts beating the refrigerator door with his tiny fists:
Panicked FHC [gasping]: We have nothing to eat for breakfast, F**ing Adam D. ate my last muffin this week end; I have no time to do grocery shopping. Are you glad ? now I’ll die of hunger.
Rational FHC [gentle voice - patting the cat]: You'll be just fine. You live in front of a Giant. We’ll go grocery shopping tonight after work.
Panicked FHC [infuriated]: You know rational FHC, you look pretty queer to me: so why don’t you get the f*ck out of my kitchen ? and anyway it's a Safeway.
Rational FHC [infuriated too]: Oh that does it! That just about does it! Well have it your way, LOSER !
(Rational FHC Exits and slams the door, Panicked FHC picks up the phone and start dialing his office number)
Rational LL: My BF is a lunatic.
Panicked LL: No, really, he is.
Posted by: LL | Monday, October 17, 2005 at 04:08 PM