As I am completely hypochondriac and an attention whore, I never miss an opportunity to get tested for SARS, HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, meningitis or bronchitis. Just today I waited in line in the cold, dusk rain for 45 minutes to get in the Whitman-Walker clinic (and not the Walt Whitman clinic as I always thought it was) mobile testing van which was parked in front of my work (a World AIDS Day initiative - December 1st). It is always awkward to be in line with your colleagues to get tested for a sexually transmitted disease moreover when they really look like they lost their sex drive in 1954. I guess these people are so conservative that they don’t even believe that no sex is safe sex; their motto is “the only safe sex is no sexual organs”. Still I managed to make it a very enjoyable moment.
I am particularly fond of the tricky questions (I have great test-taking skills) such as “Did you have sex with a transgender person in the last 9 months?”, “Did you share needles with anybody during this period?” and “Did you have any STD in the last 9 months ?”: I just feel flattered that anybody could guess that I am a transgender fucking heroin addict with a yeast infection even when I am wearing a suit. How glamorous do I look? do I really look like I could pick up Amanda Lapore at Slide or any common shemale or tranny for that matter ? I think my red tie must read “East Coast Heroïn chic” or something. No seriously, I know I look slimmer and unhealthy but this is all natural. I tried to answer all these questions as honestly as I could but it was really tempting to lie about being a hard-core druggie to seem a tiny bit cooler. The “Did you get paid for sex in the last 9 months?” question just made me think that I haven’t billed a penny in a while. Finally when the counselor seemed to think that it was strange that a kid with such a boring life would get tested so frequently (given my sad yet true answer to the “How many sexual partners have you had?” question which was “you should have seen my score last year…it was much more impressive”), I felt I needed to add “I may have had only one partner lately, but he is a total NYC wh*re” which seems to reassure him. While we waited for the results I also asked “is it true that AIDS is a weapon being used by the Jewish conspiracy?“ as I had read earlier in some very well documented piece of quality journalism. He gave me a “get a life” look and told me I was fine and that “no, [they] do not carry pap smears and you cannot drive the van”. Sometimes I am sooo stupid...
Anyway you are cute but I have to go. Talking about sex, I’ll add for the hell of it that I received news today that my ex George M. is taking up a career in the gay Latino porn production...which I guess is good and ambitious of him... he is going to Mexico City this coming month to shoot his first film...Ah, bless his heart. It just doesn't get any better than this.
AIDs isn't part of our conspiracy. But Super AIDS totally is. http://seriouslythough.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1274
Posted by: LL | Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 05:42 PM
freakin hilarious. That is why I love/want to stalk you. That, and the fact that I have this thing for crack smokin trannies who speak french.
Posted by: Damien | Thursday, December 01, 2005 at 02:24 PM