FHC sunday evening blues of the Businessman

If everything goes well I should be back in la France on Tuesday morning. Like usual after a week or so on a business trip, I am dying to be on my way back home. I just never manage to relax when I am traveling for work and end up feeling like a hamster on its wheel incessantly walking between my messy hotel room and the office like a Zombie and mostly thinking about work issues.

I tried earlier today to slow down a little to avoid an unnecessary nervous breakdown. Strangely I could not nap which is pretty worrying on a Sunday for me. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I went down by the pool with Tom Ford lying on the Vanity Fair cover which usually would be synonym of a good time but could not really get into it and drifted to listen to the boring conversation of the Air France personnel (which was mostly about their own work issues) working on their tan close by. I felt a bit desperate. Suddenly I felt somehow crushed by the thought that maybe I had entirely wasted the last seven days of my life feeling so frustrated with what I was doing all day. I was experiencing symptoms similar to a post-marathon depression.

I sometimes really wonder what motivates me in [I wrote working so hard and just deleted it… let’s not push it] taking things so seriously and getting so stressed about doing a good job to the point of making myself sick. I wish I could say that it is entirely due to the fact that I have a passion for my job and a real worry about its potential effect. And it might indeed be a part of the answer. But I am actually afraid that some of the real motivations might be a very drippy and disgusting need for approval, a need to control everything or even worse the fear of failure. I feel sometimes quite ashamed by the pleasure I get from the (rare) pat in the back or the grateful e-mail I get from a colleague. I know that some of them are just acceptance pushers, people that understood they could make me work just by giving a little approval I am craving for and who intentionally keep their approval scarce on the market to make me work even harder for them. I could probably just do less, step back a little and still do a very fine job without feeling an abnormal pressure. Perhaps I have to learn to be sloppier, to let it go, to overlook deadlines, to take the whole thing less seriously. But for that I will need to be less dependent on everybody’s approval.

I finally ended up doing the most logical thing in this situation, I popped 25 mg of Benadryl (an anti-allergic medication which also happens to cause drowsiness) and just woke up after about 3 hours of chemically produced deep sleep. I did feel guilty of not working on that Sunday afternoon after I had tacitly agreed to but this little rebellious act gave me back a little of the dignity I felt I had lost during this week.

Comments

[LL]

FHC needing approval or acting controlling? I won't believe it until I see it.

[kevin d.]

we'll smoke up when you get back. that'll help. plus some cute boys left you some wonderful presents... you don't know how it kills me to not open and consume them immediately.

[Frederico C]

Your work during this mission was impecable, flawless and outstanding. You're a valuable asset to your organization and a role model to your colleagues. Not only does your institution have a lot to learn from you but all those who have the chance to interact with you every day at both the personal and professional sphere. I hope this will keep you away from the pharmacy for the next 2 weeks.

[Damien]

wow. that was a pretty vulnerable and self-loathing post. kind of scared me a little bit. Wheres that sardonicly biting wit? that hilariously funny self criticism? I hope it hasn't fallen into a chemically induced deep sleep. Wake up FHC! Wake up! Make me laugh at you, not feel pity.

[Fagat]

Kevin D. you are too kind.

Also, your shower is confusing.