Live blogging the Oscars

Sorry for the late post.  FHC had me on tape delay to make sure I wouldn't write anything offensive.

Jon Stewart Opening:

- We weren’t live blogging yet, but Jon S. started off terribly, and we almost wrote a text message to KMZ saying “Ouch,” but fortunately threw in a joke about Bjork getting shot by Dick Cheney while wearing a her infamous swan dress (we wish) and recovered from that point ont.  Phew.  Also, obviously mocking the Holocaust and militant Islamic terrorism will guarantee a few laughs.

Best Supporting Actor:

And the winner is…George Clooney, Syriana

- George C. said something funny which we didn’t hear because FHC was talking and the French clearly don’t understand the Oscars.
- George C. gives what’s actually a very gracious, appropriately funny, and proud acceptance speech, which prompts FHC to ask, “LL, when do you learn to be as poised and well-spoken as him?”
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 0 for 1

Excellence in Visual Effects:

- AKA, how did they get Ben Stiller to agree to this? 
- And the winner is…we stopped watching to reheat last nights dinner.

Dolly Parton’s nomination for best song for zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

- FHC says: “OMG she has been totally redone from A to Z!”

Best animated short feature:

- FHC says: “It’s because of things like that that I’m going to go bed late.”
- LL gets a text right after the award is announced.  FHC says: “That must be someone letting you know that the moon and the sun won.”

Best supporting actress:

- FHC says: “All the movies I’ve seen that you haven’t is a good indication of the amount of time we’ve spent apart.”
- And the winner is…Rachel Weisz, who talks about people wasting their time fighting injustice. 
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 1 for 2

Best Documentary:

- Multiple choice: LL and FHC weren’t paying attention until:
a) We realized March of the Penguins won or
b)  The winners had ridiculous French accents and spoke broken English

Another nominee for best song, which happens to include live, fiery imagery from Crash:

- FHC says: “It reminds me of les banlieues.”

Salma Hayek presents award for Best Original Score:

- FHC asks: “Who is this bitch, she looks like my cleaning lady?”
- For those reading at home who think FHC is totally ridiculous, he adds after we hearing that the selections will be played by Itzhak Perlman:  “Who the hell is this?”
- Some guy wins for BrokebackMountain.  FHC suggests a line for the end of the speech that we think would be an hilarious addition to all the BBM acceptances: “Oh, and by the way, I’m not gay.”
- The winner then proceeds to thank “all the Latinos.” 

Hustle & Flow wins for Best Original Song:

- FHC wonders: “When are they going to start putting subtitles on the screen for ebonics?  For people like me, there’s no way to even know what they’re saying.”

Best Actor:

- Thank god Hilary Swank didn’t wear that terrible manish dress from last year.
- OMG the Oscar goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman we’re so surprised nobody saw this coming at all how shocking!
- FHC adds: “He’s a very effeminate faggot that won.  What an ugly tie he has.  He reminds me of Alex S. so much.”
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 2 for 3

Best Actress:

- Jamie Foxx has invented a new race: South African American, by which I really think he intended to say “white.”
- And the winner is…OMG its Reese Witherspoon this is also so shocking we can’t believe this winner either.  The Oscars are so breakthrough and awesome.
- FHC weeps: “Oh L, I’m so disappointed.  I really wanted Felicity Huffman to win.”
- FHC corrects his statement: “If Reese W. is going to win, can’t we at least see more of Ryan Ph.?”
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 3 for 4

Best adapted screenplay:

- Dustin Hoffman almost lasted the whole presentation without embarrassing himself. 
- And the winner is…BrokebackMountain
- FHC says: “This guy couldn’t wear his tuxedo pants?  Did he crap himself?  What an atrocious outfit.”
- Meanwhile, the BBM cast is staring at these people wondering how such complete and utter freaks could have written such a great movie. 
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 4 for 5

Best original screenplay:

- Crash wins.  Everyone seems mostly underwhelmed.  Perhaps it’s because every aspiring screenwriter’s job just got a little easier: make sure at least one character reiterates your moralistic and obvious message at least once per scene, and you might have yourself an Oscar.  Oh, and people will praise you for risk taking.
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 4 for 6

Best director:

- And the Oscar goes to Ang Lee for BBM.
- FHC notes: “None of the actors won any awards.”  Kind of reminds of something (cough) Titanic (couch)
- LL’s prediction scorecard: 5 for 7

Best picture:

- OMG I can’t believe we’re finally here!
- Thank god Jack Nicholson is presenting.  Also thank god the NYTimes explained to us this morning what the dickens a producer even does.
- FHC says: “In French, capote means condom.”
- And the winner is…Crash!!!!
- No one can believe it! 
- FHC throws down his magazine in disgust: “Again the black people win over the gays.”
- Quick trivia for the comments section: on what other occasions has the winner for best director not won for best picture?  (Answer one: Roman Polansky for the Pianist).
- The producers are naming every actor in the movie, and still have approximately 100 stars left.  Looks like we’ll be done at 1am.

It’s 11.26pm, and the Oscars have ended.  LL and FHC are off to bed.  I just can’t believe it’s this early.

Comments

[iLoveSushi209]

FHC I feel your sentiments about black people always winning over the gays.

[kurt]

"Gladiator" won Best Picture when Steven Soderburgh won for "Traffic"; Speiberg won for "Saving Private Ryan" when "Shakespeare in Love" won Best Picture; "Driving Miss Daisy" won Best Pic. when Oliver Stone won Best Director for "Born on the Fourth of July". That's as far back as I'm going to go.

I only mentioned those because as a gay man, I completely think that "Crash", though it didn't deserve the Oscar, certainly deserved it more than the overrated "Brokeback".