It is going to be very peaceful with some classical music in the morning and light jazz in the evening. There will be a nice view, pure air and silly little birdies. LL will be forced to control his drinking because my parents will be around. I will be forced to control my mannerism and constant whining for the exact same reasons. Yet I will wear V-neck sweaters, moderately-sized sunglasses while reading Pamela’s biography outside and will shave every other day. I will just look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote but darker and without the wit. You won’t be calling me. I won’t have to try to look cute because LL hasn’t given a f**ck since 1955 and my family hasn’t really seen me as a sexual object since I turned 12. For once, I will get to eat something else than sausage and pasta. I will read the French local news (mostly cute little stories on local boat wrecks), which are always light now that France is an inconsequent country and anti-Semitism is déclassé. I won’t take more than two decisions everyday and one of them will be to stay in bed. I will limit my conversation to clichés and Chinese proverbs and start all my sentences by “life is…” while letting LL complete them for me. It will just feel like Christmas but without the blazer and the hair gel. Yes kiddos, this is most probably my last entry until our return from vacations in two weeks. It is a little backward out-there and we won’t have internet access….
You see, life is (see… I already feel in vacation) terrible suffering with very short enjoyable pauses. If asked to draw my existence as a geometrical figure, I would go for an oscillating curb but certainly not for a sharp ascending line like most Americans probably would. At least my life has some rhythm. I am only happy in the cracks of it …probably so that I can endure it a little more. Vacations are exactly my kind of death. As I have felt lately that I was hitting rock bottom: a combination of DC brutal heat (the unbearable slimy shining of your sweaty foreheads has gotten on my fragile nervous system), LL’s rampant alcoholism, my useless crusade to lose back fat, the absence of mystic mysteries, some hastily handled job related matters, a few e-bay disasters, my boat wreck, the constant creeping of my thirties as well as the fact that we do not have a cleaning lady anymore (with little hope to find a new one and the everlasting smell of pee infiltrating my soul), it seems very logical that I am leaving on vacation tomorrow afternoon. The constant succession of tiny little domestic disappointments reminded me of that cute little quote: “It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over”. I was having such terrible thoughts today such as “Does my old shrink even remember that I exist?”, and “I hate people who stop elevators which are obviously going down when they plan to go up and yet have the guts to tell you “oh is that going down?” well….yes…if you must know, it is f****ing going down…how appalling can you be?” . But you know what? I am going to brew some disgustingly positive thoughts while on vacations and will come back full of energy, hope and illusions which will last me until the next crack. But first I’ll finish myself by watching “Little Miss Sunshine” this evening. See you in ten days.
If you find a cure for back fat, you truly will be a gay celebrity.
Posted by: LL | Friday, August 04, 2006 at 07:04 PM