In which FHC shares his thoughts on the gym

I had lunch today with a naïve European friend of mine who was thinking of joining Results the Gym. I suggested Mint to him instead because I felt he wasn’t yet ready. I believe that Results is more than a "gym”: it is a lifestyle, a profession of faith, a Zoo, a Chapel, a hymn and a bonfire of gay vanities (particularly in the evening). A work-out at Results is actually an interpretative dance of the painful experience of gayness in DC: every little movement is the physical translation of an aimless life, a battle for social recognition or some deeply rooted self-hatred. Individual performances have been rehearsed so often that Results members seem to float in their tiny colorful spandex outfits jumping from one machine to another while exchanging some sad kisses and scared glances. After years of membership, I am still amazed by the harmony of it all and often forget to work-out which might explain my unfortunate abs situation. Results members, by submitting their minds to a public daily mind-numbing artificial exercise in the name of the tyranny of appearance are creating a unique place where conversations are superfluous because everything is already told. At Results one can safely grin while flexing his bulging biceps in front of a mirror or lift his shirt to lovingly feel his own abdominals without feeling judged. All Results members have transcended ridicule a while ago and confessed their loneliness by getting a membership card. To me Results is the antechamber of the great gay intellectual death. For each work-out there, there is half a self-help book which is not read, a cocktail which is not invented, an original thought which does not occur and a somewhat interesting or enriching human experience which hasn’t happened. The gym is the new vacuum of gay creativity, transforming already rare gay neurons in “work out routines” and redundant flesh. And yet I believe it is still art because like art, the gym has no real purpose. Its portrayed function, keeping your body from decaying, is just a lie as we all know that this is an impossible goal and a lost battle. Results is a warm and comfortable place to abandon one’s dignity, ambition and dreams surrounded by anorexic skeletons agitating themselves on their treadmills and oversized steroid queens parading in flattering and sophisticated outfits. Everybody is concentrating very hard to overlook life going by while striving for an elusive goal and shutting down any hope of personal accomplishment. People have “leg days”: they devote an entire day to their own legs every week. There is the same atmosphere of desperation and quiet small talk that you would find in a funeral home. Even the personal trainers and the elliptical machines seem appalled. Overall Results is a very peaceful place because one knows that nothing important will ever happen there besides lawyers dying of exhaustion. I even noted the Director of the Washington Ballet in an abs class yesterday evening. I suspect he was searching for ideas for his new show. Don’t get me wrong I love the place; I just think one needs a little preparation before stepping in that wonderful world.

Comments

[LL]

Pleth, join Mint. We beg of you.

[Jim M]

Go in the mornings, F, when sometimes a gym is just a gym and the guys at results are too groggy to be social or even hot. The vacation you took to that 3rd world county where lipo is skads cheaper was worth the investment, btw, you look great.