Please Yente, See That He's Gentle

Some people requested that I blog about waking up at 7.30am this morning passed out in the hallway between Kevin D and FHC’s bedrooms and about how I then (natch) missed my 8am flight back to NYC and showed up one hour late for my really important meeting in the city.  Instead, however, I’m going to write about vicariously dating – since I’m unable to date (I’m still in the mourning slash denial phase), I’ve put myself to work finding suitable spouses for my friends. (With Fagat out of the country, btw, it’s been much harder to fill my flailing hookup story quota). 

First, there’s KMZ.  I am in love with the guy who is in love with her.  He is handsome (a marathoner), smart (former federal court clerk), and went to a really preppy, outdoorsy, and fratty liberal arts college in Williamstown, MA, (where we imagine our straight alter ego would have gone).  We’ll call him Steven Segal.  He sent KMZ an adorable and witty email inviting her out for drinks, and instead of being excited, she asked me to help draft her response declining the offer.  But I will not let him go that easily.  At first I think my pressure was welcomed, and KMZ seemed to enjoy being forced to name five good reasons not to go on a date with him (none of them was adequate).  But now I’m sensing she thinks it’s a little creepy; particularly the part where I said “All three of us can go out for drinks next Saturday.”  All I get was “I think there’ll only be two of us if we do go out.”  Two, indeed.  Next thing you know I’ll be standing outside his door with poster board signs professing my love.

Next, is my friend Amy K. whose birthday last night was responsible for me eating 100 chicken selects last night and then boarding a plane while hammered this morning.  I am desperate for her to date this really great catch in DC and told her that he’s really looking for a wife (oops, I guess that’s a turn off) but is also really picky (good one).  I will do anything for them to heart each other, including omit the small detail that he dated someone Amy K. definitely does not so much like as thinks is a dud.  Did I mention that he’s picky?  I have the opposite problem with my friend Joey W.  He’s recovering from a 6 year break up and is going on a date with a girl I went to college with who also ranks in the bottom 10 of all the people I’ve met in my life.  Let’s call her Judge Dredd.   But I want his date to go well and theoretically have a successful sexual encounter.  So do I tell him?  I certainly don’t want  to be the best man at Judge Dredd’s wedding, but I also want him to date without the specter of my judgment (it’s harsh) haunting him.  In both cases, I’m suppressing my instincts (to gossip and badmouth) so that my friends can have the healthy dating life I don’t.  Is that so wrong?

In other news, I am still wasted and hoping McDonald’s delivers. 

Comments

[Fagat]

We have gone an entire week in Madrid without a date or a flailing hookup. We are beginning to suspect this city is malfunctional.