We Just Can't Quit You Jack Twist

Please pardon me for blogging a day early.  I'm impatient and let's face it, from *another* gay evangelical scandal to the United States posting nuclear secrets on a federal government website to the imminent verdict in Saddam's trial on Sunday, there's a lot to talk about.  JK, we only care about gay prostitutes and meth additiction.

As of 5pm today, the Reverend Ted Haggard was accused of paying for drugs and sex from a prostitute in Colorado or some other free-wheeling state.  We've never heard of him before since we only get our news from US Weekly and only learn about celebs from Gawker Stalker.  But apparently he's some kind of really important leader who's BFF with Karl Rove and leads something like 30 million crazies churchgoers.  After looking at his photo (above), we only have one thing to say: Obvi.

What's funny about the allegations is that Haggard has confessed -- to buying meth.  In other words, he's quite comfortable admitting that he purchased illegal drugs but so scared of being cast as homosexual that he refuses to concede there was any sexual activity.  Because gay male escorts frequently give closeted evangelical men massages without actually screwing.  Oh, and he purchased the drugs but threw them out before he used them. 

Haggard, not surprisingly, had a wife and five children.  I guess the gay life-style really is a threat to families, at least so long as men like Haggard are so fearful of their own sexual identities that they build fake lives that fall to pieces later.

Our first reaction to news like this is a pinch of sadness: we spent a lot of time in the closet, and it's hard to forget the terror I felt when I was hiding my sexual identity.  To that extent, we empathize -- slightly -- with Haggard's struggle to come to terms with being gay.  We can even understand -- without condoning -- why he used hate-filled rhetoric against gays to bury his sexual identity even deeper. 

At the same time, the news naturally leads to second, more pure, reaction: PLEASE SEND US A LIST OF ALL THE HIGH-PROFILE CLOSETED MEN BECAUSE WE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THESE STORIES ABOUT HIDDEN SEX SECRETS AND HYPOCRITICAL FALLS FROM GRACE.  What are we going to do when the election cycle ends and there's no longer anything to gain from outing fire-breathing conservatives? 

At least we finally have a gay sex scandal that doesn't brand the rest of us as man-child-sex lovers.

Comments

[anon but good]

He also admitted, on Friday, to getting a "massage" from the gay sex worker, whom he claimed he didn't know from Adam just the day before.

I wonder what his definition of "massage" is. Anything goes as long as no penetration is involved, perhaps?

[MegaDCFag]

I am really preocupied by the well-being of FHC. Does anyone know something about him? If I do not see him blogging in the next 2-3 days, it is possible that I will have a panic attack.

[Old Fagat]

From the reports we get from FHC in the undisclosed location, he seems to be alive.

Which means there is no excuse for lack of blogging. There HAVE to be faggoty antics below the equator to write about. Last time we checked, the Janjaweed was making the BEST bareback porn...