In which FHC shares his hook up routine

I like to think that my hook up routine got very refined with years. This task like most dangerous tasks benefits greatly from being as standardized as possible in order to avoid any fatal mistake.

First I’ll say in my thickest French accent (particularly if the pray is some stranger because you see foreigners are always considered to be harmless: people probably think “if he messes with me, I’ll call the INS and have him deported”): “you wanting get latht drink at my plath?” which is a little deceitful as I really think “let’s go do it”. On the way I will suck in my cheeks and try to appear mysteriously melancholic to create a romantic aura. Finally when we reach my gate, I’ll make some silly joke about being a caveman to relax the atmosphere (if you want to hear the joke, just get wasted and wait at the Diner around 1 a.m.) as it is a often delicate time where the prey starts thinking “F*ck what if my boyfriend hears about this?”. We’ll both chuckle a little nervously.

Then inside, I’ll push play on my ipod which will already be set on my hook up playlist. The list starts with a few Nina Simone songs (“Lilac Wine”, “Sinnerman”…original version if they are more than 25, remixed by Verve if they are less) to calm them down because usually I sobered up on the way back and really need a drink before starting to make out. If they are really behaving too horny, I can skip the playlist to in Paradisum or Ave Maria but I like to consider this as an “emergency procedure”. I’ll pour two drinks after having settled them in a couch. A really strong one for me so the prey becomes cute enough and I start to feel some love. A weak one for them because we invested too much at this point to afford to have him not getting it up later on. We might briefly discuss how I won all these trophies when I was playing in the Junior League at Roland Garros (alternatively we can discuss Pamela H. if he is some lobbyist on the hill which he often is….or how I am a secret agent if he is a high school student which he more rarely is). If he is in his mid-thirties, I’ll play the whole “Major Tom” sequel which will make him happy. For any other type, I’ll play some obscure French band like "Week-End à Rome" by Etienne Daho or “la vie en rose” interpreted by Grace Jones. In the meantime I’ll lay down on the carpet so he can have a good look at my flat stomach and light up my “Aqua di Parma” candle.

When the playlist reaches “Veridis Quo” by Daft Punk, I’ll join him on the couch and start making out while finishing his drink if I feel the appearance of love are not yet there. I’ll first take my shirt off. Then get him naked (still in the living room, he’ll feel turned on by the possibility of the neighbors seeing him). Then finally I’ll say “let’s move to my bedroom” …if he says “No, let’s do it here” while glancing at the window then I am lucky cos he is a perv. An hour later, and if it wasn’t sufficiently good to wait for a morning follow-up, I’ll finally steal a line from Rodolphe B.’s old routine: “Do you walk back or shall I call you a cab”.

Comments

[Fagat]

What on EARTH possessed you to write this post?

Now everyone's going to use this routine!!

[LL]

Fagat stop encouraging him!

[fan]

what happend in the last hour?

[MegaDcFag]

FHC- In Europe you didn't seem so sophisticated, you were more the "Guys gone wild" type. I fully agree with Rodolphe B approach. Regardless that you have a guest room in your new charming cave, you don't want to risk any piece of that eBay museum to be disappeared by next morning.

[bryan]

ok, fhc, publishing the routine removes what there is, if any, of intrigue, mystery, or anticipation, right? but i'm sure you know this, so are you actually *retiring* your hookup routine, passing it on to the next generation?

[Gerard]

Nina Simone...

[Alexander]

I so remember doing that. Just kidding. I'm so intrigued by Ave Maria, though.

And yeah, I'm a target for a foriegn accent.