In Which LL Blogs because Drew W. Ruined* FHC's Life

Whenever someone asks us "Should I go to law school," we have an answer ready: "Do you want to be a lawyer?"  This is not a question we asked ourself before we tried to become the next LL Woods.  Our Miranda Priestly-like boss said, "LL we got you accepted to law school.  Go."  And now we know that slander is a tort and can also help you out if someone steals your kill during a fox hunt. 

Since we didn't consider what we would do other than being a lawyer before starting law school, we thought that the halfway point (we're done with three of six semesters) would be a good time to think about what we would have done if we didn't become a lawyer.  Here are some possibilities:

- Chef:  Pros - love eating; extremely good focus on cutting things into tiny pieces; don't tear when cutting onions.  Cons - general lack of talent; enjoy only salty things with a lot of butter; own only one (blunt) knife.

- Doctor:  Pros - no visceral reaction to blood; watch Nip/Tuck; comfortable around latex (gloves).  Cons - not Jewish enough; cannot choose a restaurant, would probably lack life-or-death decisionmaking ability under pressure

- Prostitute: Pros - tried moonlighting during our period as an assistant at "Runway"; good hours; no requirement to report wages to IRS. Cons - no benefits package; hate asking people for money

- Reality Star: Pros - thrive as the "token" or "only gay in the village"; pitched idea of playing Russell Simmons' white/gay/Jew assistant at Def Jam records; messy drunk.  Cons - rejected by "Survivor: Pearl Islands"; not flamboyant enough

- Travel Guide Contributor: Pros - obvi best job ever.  Cons - cannot travel independently or without adult supervision; lack knowledge of foreign languages; hate sight-seeing

- Writer: Pros - set own hours; attend book parties.  Cons - lack of talent, passion (see also "Chef"); last name not "Foer"

- Master of the Universe: Pros - applied for the position, was declined.  Cons - not Jewish enough (see also "Doctor")

- Philanthropist/Socialite: Trust us, we're working on it (Bettina, call us)

Since we're utterly incapable of doing anything else, we think "lawyer" is a good fit.  Our general lack of passion fits well; instead of having our own views we can easily adopt those of our clients slash the partners who we slave away for.  We always thought having a lack of convictions would be a detriment in our career: now we realize it's a huge asset (particularly when combined with our tendency to produce our best work when terrified by/of our superiors).

*NDLR: By "ruined" we mean shut off his internet, by which we also mean cut off his access to internet porn, le Blog, and, of course, charming emails from his ex.