Originally this post was going to be about how LL and FHC were spotted speeding by some secret Soviet-era spy camera in far Northwest DC on our way back from the Billy Goat Trail. But then we realized there wasn't really enough to say except that FHC was driving and will probably be deported. Instead, after another night of binge drinking (congratulations Shira T!) we decided we should take this alcoholism quiz and post the results as a public service. Apparently answering three or more with "yes" means we are definitely an alcoholic. We're concerned with what happens if we answer "yes" to all 20.
Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
No. We don't even have a job.
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Nor do we have a "home life."
Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Is there another reason?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?
We're usually too blacked out to notice. Please keep us posted on this one.
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Only because we're fairly certain we did something embarrassing but can't remember. See also, "Is drinking affecting your reputation?"
Have you gotten into financial dificulties as a result of your drinking?
Law school costs a fortune so we haven't noticed.
Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
We only have three friends. And yes.
Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
We tend not to notice slash care about other people, and especially not their "welfare."
Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
No. Alcohol actually magnifies our delusions of grandeur. Why do you think we prefer to be drunk?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Does "constantly" count as a definite time?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
We would die for a bloody mary right now.
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
This one's a joke, right? Because we sleep like a baby.
Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Since we plan to charge by the hour as a lawyer, we certainly hope so.
Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
We will let you know after this summer. We will try not to jump into the Potomac after a night out boozing. See also, "Loul a la mer."
Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Obvi.
Do you drink alone?
We don't feel alone.
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
See answers to all of the above. See also, our phone call to EKK this morning to see if we had made plans for tomorrow since we couldn't remember our conversation from last night.
Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
During our last check up we filled out a form that said we drink 4-5 drinks 5 nights a week. Our doctor looked at the sheet and said, "That seems about right."
Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Haven't we answered this one already? Yes.
Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
We have pretty crappy insurance so we hope not.
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