Dear LLewdie: Bad Advice on Manners & Morals

Taking a cue from (i.e., copying) Gawker's column "The Unethicist," which answers letters submitted to the New York Times' "Ethicist" column, we decided today to do the same (i.e., plagiarize) from Slate's Dear Prudence column.  Here's this week's:

Dear LLewdie,
I am 16, and my parents think that it's "cute" and "fun" to have sex in other places in the house besides their bedroom. I'm never home when this occurs, and am mature enough to realize that every couple needs to spice up their life a little now and then. Recently, I found out that my parents had sex on my bed. This was mortifying and horrific for me. Of all the places to do it, they thought it would be interesting to try it on my bed. I haven't even had sex on my bed! They don't see anything wrong with what they've done, but I find it completely disgusting and unnecessary. How can I explain to them that this has scarred me, possibly for the rest of my life?

Dear SlutMunchkin,

Remember the old writing tip "Show; Don't Tell"?  Well, it works in real life just as in fiction.  To teach your parents a lesson, they need to find the condom your boyfriend uses when he effs you on top of their 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets.  Then post the video on youtube and email them the link.  It'll be even better if you tell them that you were a virgin (obvs a lie) when you did it.  That'll teach them to keep their junk in their own bed.  Sickos.

[NDLR:  Dear "actual" Prudie, this letter couldn't be any more obviously a joke testing to see if you would reply.  You should ask the prankster (we've got our money on Dahlia Lithwick) who just won $100 in an office pool to split the cash with you, because we don't think you could be so dense as to write an honest reply to such an unserious - but hilarious - question.]

Dear LLewdie,
I have a dilemma. A guy I knew (but not well) asked me for my résumé, got me hired at the company he works for, and now is basically my supervisor. Along the way, we got to know one another, became close friends, and there is attraction on both sides. We spend every day at work together, and almost every evening. He has told others that he likes and wants to date me but that he's very worried about the work situation. What do I do?

Dear AttentionWhore,

What. A. Fucking. Prude.  You use your looks to get a job and then don't put out?  Let's be clear:  You are probably not qualified for this job and your boss only hired you to slip it in.  And seriously, this is 2007, do you really still believe that when someone says he wants to "date" he's not only saying that to sleep with you twice - maybe three times if you're lucky - before going back home to his wife?  If you want to stay his secretary and keep your job, sleep with him pronto and don't cry about it when he decides the office "romance" is over.

A+,

LL

Comments

[Toby]

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