In London

I hope this e-mail finds you well. I am in London since yesterday morning. This e-mail is full of self-pity and complaint. I am aware of it but I try not to complain to my partner or my friends these days so it is a welcome outlet although I apologize for it.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I noticed alcohol and the absence of drugs for three reasons: it was my partner's birthday (let's call him LLII), British culture seems to be obsessed with getting wasted and when we travel is usually when we would get really self-indulgent. I had ordered two bottles of Veuve Clicquot (my favorite champaign) for our arrival which was fine but I started to feel tempted as LLII was drinking all day. Eventually, we had a guest and LLII asked me to serve them and I felt really weird holding the champaign so I asked him to serve the second drink himself. There was this micro-second were I realized that I could pick up a drink one day if my willpower was weaker than usual. I was feeling tired as I had not slept much in the last few days and on the plane. That would happen before: an ambien topped by a Klonopin would have taken care of my trip and I would have arrived fresh in London. That is also why I am writing you an e-mail at 8:58 in the morning although we went to bed at 2 a.m. At dinner, as I knew the night might be long, I was annoyed I couldn't wake myself up with a drink (by which I mean ten drinks). In the middle of dinner, as we were discussing with our friend, I realized that usually we would be trying very hard to score blow or maybe ecstasy. That is what made our traveling cool: going crazy... not visiting the Tate modern. My partner briefly asked questions about clubs to his friend and I felt guilty he couldn't go because of my "recovery". Also the place was extremely trendy (Hakkasan a very exclusive restaurant full of tall beautiful people) and I felt awkward and out of place... I felt my suit was poorly cut as an example or that we were given a bad table....usually when I get this feeling I get wasted and I start to relax and feel more confident. When we went out after dinner, it was all about drinking...people were drinking in the street, businessmen were wobbling on their way home and trashy drunken girl were elbowing their way in the crowd... although I never liked beer that much it did feel weird ... tired and excluded. It is tough because when I am tired, I am not much fun and can feel depressed. Sober, I felt I wasn't contributing much to the evening. As a general rule, I find myself to be boring these days and have to make a huge effort to be entertaining or take interest in people. There is also this thing that I am constantly wishing I could be doing something else: like going early to bed instead of being in bars or even working. Partying is not very interesting right now but it hasn't been replaced by anything interesting yet.

As for my recovery it is a bit of a disaster. I am naturally lazy. Although I have the Big Book in audiobook, I listened to everything but the Big Book while I was traveling. Actually let me rephrase this, I would rather listen to everything including the "seven habits of effective people).To be honest it bores me and I am not sure I would learn much from what I feel is a self-help book written half a century ago. And the vocabulary... the semantic of AA... really annoys me at time: today 24 hours/day: "Live with God in that secret place of the spirit and you will have the feeling of being on the right road". There is always something better to do than reading about recovery: magazines I haven't read, work that I have not yet started, presentations that I should have done a while ago. What kind of preachy BS is that ? that is exactly why I disliked religion...the infantile patronizing demeaning messages that don't mean anything. Also I did let go of most of the resolutions I had after I left Father Martin's Ashley. I have no willpower and typically give up changes after a few weeks. I drunk slightly caffeinated tea yesterday at dinner (it was an Asian restaurant) although I hadn't drunk anything caffeinated for 80 days. When I asked for a decaffeinated tea the waitress told me about a tea that was "very lightly decaffeinated" I hesitated for 10 seconds and accepted. It would not be a big deal if it wasn't a tiny indent in my discipline. That is usually how I start to f*ck up... starting with something small: that's how I restarted smoking...a tiny puff that became two packs a day in a month or so. That's how I started acting out in the past... starting small and going all the way in a matter of days.

The only things I am kind of proud about (although I read I am not to be proud about anything in my recovery as I owe it to God according to 24 hours/day): meditating every day because I hate it and still do it, bringing my friend to AA, having quit everything (cigarettes, drugs..legal or not, alcohol and coffee) for 81 days, being nicer to LLII and slightly more honest. All of that makes does make me feel much better (yet). 

You know as I am writing this, I am thinking that I should make it to a meeting: there is one in Covent Garden at 17:45 p.m. which is only 10 minutes in cab away from my previous appointment in Savile Row and it actually fits more or less my schedule (although I don't expect the person I meet or LLII to be very happy that I take 1 hour of our precious London time for AA) and it will make me feel better. 

I will keep writing.