FHC’s resurrected blog

In which FHC answers the Proust Questionnaire in 30 minutes

Let’s just not call it the Vanity Fair questionnaire for now.

Your most marked characteristic?

I am a whiner. I am conscious that it’s a little annoying but I have the weakness to believe there is always a hint of humor in my constant complaining.

The quality you most like in a man?

Self-confidence.

The quality you most like in a woman?

Discretion.

What do you most value in your friends?

Constance. I don’t have to remind them constantly how important they are to me. I can disappear for months and our friendship remains intact.

What is your principle defect?

Funnily enough it also happens to be my most marked characteristic.

What is your favorite occupation?

Writing silly little things without any time constraint.

What is your dream of happiness?

Serenity as in not wondering what’s next, not being afraid of it or even better not care. Basically happiness would be a day without caffeine.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

Regrets. Looking back at my life, thinking that I abandoned my dreams out of fear.

What would you like to be?

A peaceful kind of Rodolphe B. I think he has a lot of traits I would have enjoyed to have, like an artistic sensibility, but he is too hungry for me.

In what country would you like to live?

I deeply love the United States….. mostly because that’s where I had sex for the first time.

What is your favorite color?

Bleu Marine. Navy married with something charcoal. I find it discreetly elegant.

What is your favorite flower?

I care very little about flowers.

What is your favorite bird?

If all the birds were eliminated from the surface of the earth, I would probably not notice it before a few months.

Who are your favorite prose writers?

You know strangely Brett Easton Ellis was one of the biggest influences in my life. His books are what drew me to the United States. In his writing, I found exactly what I was longing for: freedom, relative promiscuity and a disrespectful cynical tone.

Who are your favorite poets?

I am obsessed by this poem of José Agustín Goytisolo titled the “Good wolf”.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Tintin. He never panicks. He is young, elegant and curious.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

I feel for women a bit the same way than for flowers …and to some extent birds.

Who are your favorite composers?

Satie and gainsbourg.

Who are your favorite painters?

I had to think 2 minutes to the answer so let’s assume I don’t really know anything about painting.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Greg H. because I don’t know him yet and...Mike G. because he is amazingly self-confident.

Who are your favorite heroines of history?

Pamela Harriman and Catherine of Medicis: they were so busy putting their print on the World, they probably never had any happy moment. Most of the women I met in my life were total brutes.

What are your favorite names?

James. I feel it’s distinguished, it sounds like an all-boy school, like Eton. It sounds like sex in dorms.

What is it you most dislike?

People that are impolite, who give their opinion without being asked or manipulate your own politeness to obtain things from you.

What historical figures do you most despise?

Edward VIII, what a fool and a self-centered little f**ck.

What event in military history do you most admire?

This thing that Hannibal did with the elephants…like he pushed them through the Alpes or something. I’d like to say congratulation to both the elephants and Hannibal. Each time I see a mountain with snow on it, I think of them all.

What reform do you most admire?

When we stopped persecuting the Protestants (did we ever?). Burning people for their faith seems so déclassé.

What talent would you most like to possess?

I’d love to play piano. I feel I’d be much less dependent on other people. I could rely on myself to stay busy and I’d probably have a lot of success at parties.

How would you like to die?

Anything but suicide would feel like success to me.

What is your present state of mind?

I am hesitant to answer truly to that question so let’s skip it.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

Self-righteousness and lack of tact. People are so self-righteous and tactless around me that I had to develop some form of indulgence because if not I could not have kept any social life.

What is your motto?

After all I did not do so poorly.

In which FHC gives a History crash course to its readership

Back when I was dilettante who had still the occasion to have French thoughts in French idiom and could sleep more than 3 hours straight without half a valium, I was quite fond of History. I think I would have become a very erudite tweed jacket wearing History Professor if my father hadn’t declared quite dramatically at a turning point in my studies “if you want to be an artist my son, this is your problem!”. It must have been a while ago because I cannot remember any historical fact anymore or where I left my favorite pen for that matter. I incidentally spent an entire conversation on Baron Von Bismarck (or more exactly on his gay orgies organizer great great great grandkid) at a lunch yesterday wondering what exactly the role of this vaguely familiar name was in the big scheme of things which led us to that current North Korean situation. NDLR: Every blogger must insert “North Korean situation” in all his entries until further notice. For the sake of anecdote, I eventually became something quite different than a History Professor with the sorry consequences we know.

I always thought of History as this unbelievably harmonious and beautiful thing which all ended up with Me. Of course I was conscious of the relative importance of wars in the story of humanity but war still had beautiful uniforms with shiny boots, rules and etiquette, gorgeous open fields, and heroic deaths underlined by witty comments such as “Either the wallpaper goes or I do” (who? Anybody? anybody?)…so it wasn’t too tragic or unaesthetic to spoil anybody’s pleasure. Only in the United States do we assimilate the entire World History to WWII and your tiny civil war (which I never really understood). There were such nicer and more elegant wars before that: you people should definitely learn about if you have an opportunity. Actually wars were much more civil as a general rule before the US stepped in with noisy GIs constantly chewing gums, Josh Hartnett, and nuclear bombs. But then this isn't the only sport you democratized to the point of making it unbearable.

Anyway back to my point, I also enjoyed the fact that history made sense. Events slowly unfolded and it always seemed easy to predict what would happen next. Nobody was really surprised of if they were it’s because they were peasants or were too stupid to read the signs or just uninterested. History was somewhat straight to the point, clean and inconsequent until I became a teenager (I remember that when the Berlin Wall crumbled, we all knew it would happen months before) or actually to be more precise until I started to have gay sex. After that history went berserk. Which is why I could not even find anything rationale to reply to Mrs. Kevin D’s answer to my question on his feelings about the North Korean Situation (bonus): “We are all going to die”. After all, yes lately it seems quite possible that the North Korean are going to eradicate us (which by the way won’t impact history too much as far as our generation is concerned as we have been completely superfluous from both an historical and cultural point of view – particularly the gays if I may add – at least the straight procreated). All that to say that I have all the reasons to be anxious and really don’t expect to get my sleep back in the near future.

In which FHC is promiscuous for the evening

Twice today I was reminded that people of my kind are known to be terribly promiscuous. First in a very decent article in the New York Times on gay married men and a bit later through the transcript of an interview with the very interesting, albeit political cheap slut, Ann Coulter (sent by KMZ who asked Are you guys inherently or generally more promiscuous than heterosexual males? – more info on). Let me briefly take the opportunity here to wish Ann intestinal bleeding over the week-end. None of those articles offered any explanations on why gay people developed such a promiscuous mating system. If Kevin W. was around, I’d ask him. My theory is that we do it out of boredom; because there is nothing left to watch on cable, “Lost” only comes back in September, we have stopped taking Propecia, we opened a myspace account recently, tonight LL has a work event (gate code is : #1978, I should be by myself around 8 p.m.) and we are too poor to continue buying stuff on e-bay and we met someone at the gym yesterday. Another explanation is that unlike straight men, we don’t have to deal with strong-hipped cold bitches such as Ann Coulter. Finally, the public theory is that it is our form of sexual bonding, a bit like golf for straight men, menstrual cycles for women and unnecessary comments on bathhouses for Ann Coulter. The STDs we encounter give us something to talk about when we get together (with Ben T. at Health bar on Wednesday night). I would know a little because I have been friends with really hyper-sexed gay men: as someone once said: “A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are”. That’s why Ann Coulter hates Kevin D.

The long overdue FHC MW interview

What’s on your nightstand?

A picture of a young LL in some Eastern European train. A box filled with pills bottles I gathered throughout the years – including some sleeping pills in case I get insomnia. A courtesy Alarm Clock I stole from the mail of my Mexican ex, my moleskine notebook and a pile of magazines - mostly VF, le Nouvel Observateur, l’Intelligent and Uomo Vogue.

What’s in your DVD player?

“Inside Deep Throat” the documentary on the porn movie “Deep Throat” cultural shock for America. The player was LL’s Christmas gift: it has an easy subtitle button as I watch all my movies with subtitles.

What are your television favorites?

We don’t have cable anymore but since yesterday I am into into Peew-Wee’s playhouse. Seinfield makes me laugh.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters?

It was Transamerica. I liked it, it was subtle…my only issue is that I don’t believe in redemption. People like her son rarely change in real life.

Which superhero would you be?

Tintin because I love to wear golf pants and I would not mind living in the 30’s if I was asked to.

What’s your greatest influence?

Fear.

What’s your greatest fear?

That I’ll continue to let my decisions being influenced by fear which is highly probable.

Who gets on your nerve?

Everybody besides LL, my roommate – particularly before 9 a.m. - and my mother.

Pick three people, living or dead who you think would make the most fascinating dinner guests imaginable?

I don’t enjoy being fascinated at dinner. It’s bad for your digestion. I prefer it to be a bit more casual so I’d like to invite LL, Brett Easton-Ellis and maybe Toby H. if he promises to behave.

What would you serve?

I’d ask my dear friend Alex A., who is a major cook and knows how to throw a stylished dinner party, to bail me out. He’d decline at first. I’d threaten to blackmail him and he’d cook us a great diner.

Boxers, briefs or other ?

I have always loved miniature underwear …mostly briefs. I particularly have something for the one called RIPS with the little strings on it. Now that I am getting close to my thirties I find them a bit uncomfortable though.

Favorite retail store?

Ralph Lauren. I love the atmosphere and the leather chairs. Of course I never buy anything because I am dirt poor.

Describe your dream guy?

Some extremely wealthy and idle LL living in my apartment.

Define good in bed?

Nice and uninhibited.

What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

At Nation. Well it wasn’t really sex. What do you call sex exactly?

Favorite musical artist.

I’d say Gainsbourg but I mostly like songs not artists.

What’s your favorite website?

E-bay. There is something amazing about being able to find anything you’d like in the world and then have it shipped to your doorstep.

Who should star in a movie about your life?

I’d really like if it could be the guy that played in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. If not, Danny Devito I guess. Kevin D. thinks it should be the short guy in the Lost Cast…Dominic Maughan.

First celebrity crush?

Does it sound really weird if I say Danny Pintauro? I mean I was twelve too.

Biggest turn on?

A great sense of humor and some class.

Biggest turn off?

Superficiality and people that are obsessed with their appearance.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t tried yet?

Driving on the highway. I am really working at it though. I would give me the freedom to get in fight with people and then leave in MY car.

What position do you play in the big baseball game of life?

On the bench most of the time.

What’s your favorite food to splurge with?

Beef jerky and these weird crab meat imitation sticks. I can eat packs of both until I get sick.

What kind of animal would you be?

I see myself as some kind of a monkey…preferable one that’d smell good. A little shouting monkey.

What kind of a plant would you be?

I don’t know …man… I am not into vegetable which reminds me of this very funny quote “I am not a vegan because I love animals, I am a vegan because I hate plants”.

What are you most grateful for?

Being out and somewhat free. Also my quality of life. I never thought it would turn out that great. I was under the impression that I would die gay bashed and dirt poor at 24.

What’s your dream job?

I am not really into working but thanks for asking. Maybe I’d have liked to be a reporter or an archeologist or a Professor. A job in which you can wear a tweed jacket an smoke a pipe basically.

State your life philosophy in 10 words or less.

Let’s try to do a little better next year.

Let us know what you’re looking for ...

The last nine internet searches that led to FHC’s resurrected blog today were :

-         miss adams morgan 2006

-         i hate penguins

-         watching porn congestion pain

-         sucking in the cheeks

-         fhc blog

-         pink razv3

-         bend it like fcuk t shirt white

-         German Twink's Brothel

-         rufus wainwright show photo marc Jacobs

The "German Twink's Brothel" one really leaves me voiceless. I received confirmation from several very reliable sources that you people out there are even much weirder than I thought. You are so immature!

Letter from the hopelessly déclassé aging twink

DEAR Dr. FHC: I have been reading your blog and gathered that you are a very savvy relatively young man. I have a problem and would like your advice: I am an aging twink, with a moderately paying job and have great difficulties to save money. My friends advise me to live more frugally and my boyfriend forbids me to buy useless stuff on e-bay. What do you think ?

Barefoot but not pregnant.

DEAR BAREFOOT BUT NOT PREGNANT, Hard work, personal budgeting, respect for your neighbor, Target and money savings are just “petit bourgeois vocabulary”. Nobody becomes rich by saving on your proletarian type of income. The saddest thing is not a poor aging twink, it actually is a middle-class aging twink using coupons at Safeway and cheaply dividing dinner bills on a date. The affluent always either have very wealthy parents (nothing like family wealth), marry someone wealthy, are extremely talented or lucky. Anyway you will have a very hard time becoming wealthy if you behave like a poor person. Nobody act poor nowadays, that too is very “déclassé”. Spending your paycheck and maxing up your Credit Card, like masturbation, is very healthy: it’s not as good as being rich but it is sufficiently close to it. If you starve yourself now, your assets might be worth $500,000 in ten or twenty years and we all now you cannot get anything for half a million anymore. So you should spend recklessly, while thinking as little about the future. If you really want to become wealthy though, consider options like attaining wealth through mindpower, setting up a church scam or oppressing the defenseless in a foreign country. Real estate is only an option if you have lost all dignity.

FHC

In blogodujour, nothing but some urban legends. I bought a military poncho on e-bay today.

Who said compulsive automedication ?

I am sick again but this time not for drinking but most probably for over-auto-medicating a little insomnia I endured last night. It included 4 or 5 trips to the drugs cellar in the night, cautiously making just enough noise to wake up LL and share my distress with him. I used Zicam in my nose thinking I might be affected by a sinus infection, threw in a few Tums for the hell of it, gobbled 1 or two additional Buspar in order to alleviate my suffering, used Nasonex in case I developed an allergy to my bed during my time away, a Zantac for heartburn relief and yes an Ethex because they are cute shiny little blue pills. I had difficulties digesting this homemade blend and had to take some stomach related pills in the morning with my usual morning prescription drugs which include Clarinex and other non-communicable drugs such as Propecia. I practice medicine on a “try-fail” basis. If I die today, the autopsy will be full of surprises : my stomach will look like a pack of smarties. Anyway I feel slightly under the weather today and could not call in sick as it would have looked suspicious after a week of vacations. If you have vicious plans to interact with me on a first name basis please wait for early next week, I should be fine by then. I used my restless night to draft my obituary and think of a caption for this week New Yorker’s caption contest . It is not as good as Kevin D.’s irreverent idea for the enclosed cartoon which was “"Funny, they don't taste Jewish". David M. won with this silly caption: "Remember that time you made me laugh and people came out of my nose?".I'll give you my idea for this week early next week.

If you think it could not get worse, try to imagine how humiliating it is when you come back from vacation and cannot find the combination to your locker and all of your colleagues wonder if you are trying to break in the locker of someone else. This was my case in a tank top, sweating and trying desperately to remember my combination (12,8,2) while all of my bicycle riding colleagues strolled in. Will I get the "most dysfunctional employee of the month” award ?

The DMV horror picture show is scheduled for 1 pm tomorrow. The DMV questionnaire is a challenge to me as I have no notions whatsoever of speed or distances. What are 30 miles/hour ? can someone describe it to me ? Speed is something you have to live, you cannot figure it out. Same thing with distance what are 30 feets ? about 17 LL lining up ? How am I suppose to understand such a concept ? I suggested gathering 17 persons to line up in the Terminal yesterday but LL rolled his eyes three times.

Question no5. You are driving up to an intersection where there is no signal light or policeman. A man is crossing in the cross walk in front of your car. You should:

a. Continue into the intersection because you have the right-of-way

yes… I will continue and slaughter the freak because this is my RIGHT ! because the DC city code says so: you cross out of the sidewalk, I KILL YOU and your entire family.

Among other news of various levels of interest, Miss Adams Morgan 2006 will take place on October 22^nd, 2005. Also the HRC dinner will be on Saturday October 1^st (add picture). I assume everybody read the worrisome Washington Post article on HIV in the district that was forwarded to me by Sergio P. You have to promise not to tell Andrew S. that LL drove an SUV in Napa, it would be a Results faux-pas. It is my duty to support John M. in his noble endeavor to start a blog. I am flattered to appear on the As blog and is appalled that Gabriel A. “ne reconnait plus personne en Harley Davidson”. Everybody was crying the departure of BT today symbolically on his 29^th birthday while Ashley claims that this is his last karaoke night at Cobalt. Talking of female impersonators, I found out Cookie Buffet’s website for your viewing pleasure. Also here is a ferocious teacher, the serious kind that makes september a gloomy period. To the frequent guests that write to tell me my blog is uninteresting, I wanted to offer different alternatives: Toby in Wonderland: or the Socialite Life: your pick.