FHC’s resurrected blog

In which FHC hoards himself to death

Drew W. finally managed to diagnose my condition yesterday: I am a just a hoarder defined as “a person who accumulates things and hides them away for future use” and f***ing e-bay is my enabler. Basically I am a bit like a silly chipmunk or a squirrel. I think I got it from growing-up in absolute poverty as a [really cute] child-miner in the communist North of France deprived of all the necessary luxurious items a French kid needs to know a normal personal development. Also I don’t trust the American monetary system and hate to see money accumulates on my Bank account as I expect the American Empire to collapse any day now. I have this pervasive panic fears that one day Todd’s is just going to get out of business or that the world will run out of vintage Babar’s book so I stash compulsively. I don’t even qualify as a collector; I just like to possess stuff, stack it and then wonder what the hell I’ll do with it. This is a serious medical condition which explains why I find myself these days with many useless stock certificates at home and many more on their way lost somewhere in the incomprehensible postal system. It seems like a few weeks ago, an obscure and complex decision making process led me to believe I needed to buy 20 vintage stocks certificates. Yes I admit that the house is bursting of all the useless items I have accumulated in the last few years (I have come a long way, when you think that I landed six years ago on Ellis Island with only 2 luggages, young, gorgeous and promised to a bright heterosexual future which strangely never really concretized). I have been too long victim of the stigmata associated with my condition and LL and Kevin D’s continuous sneers, I am going to speak up and say that “my name is FHC, and I am a hoarder”. I am going to put my name down on the no e-baying list, put the Corcoran retirement house in fire and check myself into rehab once again.

At 9:15 a.m. I had only heard something like 20 witty comments on the result of the World Cup and Italia's triumph, including one from Englishman in DC, Russ W. As dearest Wendell put it “What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better”. LL could not help but send me this ridiculous dramatically written article. Anyway football and the World Cup are passé…. Don't be so déclassés. Tennis is in. Everybody knows that. I have actually decided to identify the legendary “secret courts” of Washington, DC (not the one that are approving domestic eavesdropping but the Tennis ones) if you know one of them, please kindly e-mail it to me. Oh and happy birthday to la KMZ ! I believe that getting older is a wonderful thing for anybody who isn't gay !

In which FHC writes an open letter to all FSLs out there

Dear Miss Manners: Do you have any suggestions on how to tell people to stop talking to me in their broken French?

From time to time random people who took French for a year in college and collected a few C- ask me to “talk to them in French”. They are either very naïve people who assume that I would be thrilled and genuinely honored to converse with them in their appalling French or ruthless people who see an opportunity to get a French lesson for free (some are even rude enough to ask me to “correct their French when necessary”). It usually warrants an aggressive and patronizing response: “unfortunately I am afraid I might have forgotten my French by now” or “please do talk to me in French but if you don’t mind I’ll reply in English”. It even once happened to me in bed (when I was still frequenting very trashy Virginia boys) to be summoned to say something in my native language and Kevin D. asked me to put post-it on every object in our house with their French translation. Comment dit-on "give me a f***ing break" en Francais? I AM NOT YOUR F***ING PENPAL.

I know what you think: Shouldn’t he be more understanding being himself a very poorly talented ESL and a bad immigrant? Well first of all French is one of these languages which do not tolerate a foreign accent or the slightest mispronunciation (which is why we never acknowledge the existence of Quebec without giggling). You see English by becoming the common language of this century accepted to be chronically mispronounced, French didn’t. Secondly I went through the hardship of learning (more or less) your language and now that we can communicate in an almost satisfactory manner I really don’t see any reason to support your – very limited – language skills. Thirdly I am actually very fluent in French and really don’t need to practice it anymore at that point. Fourthly, I very much doubt that you’ll ever master that complex language so I really don’t see the point. Let alone the fact that Miss Manners says we speak English in the US and French in  France. I am sorry I just don’t have the patience and I don’t even appreciate the effort. The truth might very well be that I want to be the unintelligible one – it gives me an edge. Please spare me the boredom and spare yourself the embarrassment, let’s stick to English for now. The only one I might agree to teach a few tricks is dearest LL, if he promises to teach me Yiddish.

In which FHC gives the top ten reasons why he is an asshole

Lately we have heard a little more than usual people giving us feedback that the name FHC in this city is often associated with the words “bad attitude”, “awful reputation” and “asshole”. As we are very curious here at FHC’s, we asked Pedro and Maria to go around the block and asks people why they think FHC is an asshole. After dismissing the ambiguous (and often undocumented) answers such as “I think FHC is an asshole because I know he is an asshole”, “FHC is an asshole because he sucks his moms dick all the time”, “FHC is clearly not a follower of Christ”, and the very deep “FHC is an asshole because he’s a fat midgetish gay kid” here is some of the most interesting answers we obtained (presented anonymously):

Reason #1. There is a strong rumor that FHC tried to kill his own boyfriend by force-feeding him an entire tablet of Xanax when he was drunk. He also has been promoting actively meth to him as an allergy medicine. All of that supposedly just because the poor kid couldn’t help but wear black flip-flop for one of their outings. Supposedly he also smacked his niece against a coffee table and injured a colleague with a stapler this year.

Reason #2. Each time FHC is caught his hand in the cookie jar; he alternatively uses the expressions “jewish conspiracy”, “group sex” and “lactose intolerance” to justify his acts. In my opinion, that sucks balls.

Reason #3. With FHC you graduate very quickly from “best friend of the week” to “jerk of the month” and from “cool roommate” to “here ! take that plate full of pasta in your f***ing face”. FHC’s entire social network is composed of “former friends” and his favorite sentence is “That‘s the end of our relationship”.

Reason #4. FHC does not really have any strong political, religious or ethical belief and seem to only care about himself. In other words he is a selfish bastard who never ever gives back to the community or only in a very accidental manner (to get rid of small change as an example). He is also so vain that he even thinks this blog is about him.

Reason #5. FHC wrote awful things about some fellow gay immigrants whose only fault was to be unstylish. He also constantly makes smartass sarcastic comments on his closest acquaintances.

Reason #6: FHC is an asshole because he likes to get licked AND therefore belongs to three online communities that, we hear, he visits daily. Basically, he is a sick pervert and is even friend with Rodolphe B. part time.

Reason #7: FHC abused 7 generations of boyfriends and subsequently three of his exes are currently in what looks like a terrible professional haze, two of them are seriously balding and one of them is working in the porn industry. None of them talk to him and some still send him dead birds through the mail every Valentine’s day. He also badmouthed them on many occasion (including in his trashy blog) after their break-up and broadcasted their sexual habits and cosmetics preferences as if it was public information. What a f***er.

Reason #8: FHC is a fuck***g snob. He just turned his back on flip-flops, is known to use contemptuous language with people whose parents live in trailers, he also considers all Americans to be “peasants” and always has a handkerchief sprayed with Penhaligon’s in his pocket in case he “runs into poor people”.

Reason #9: FHC is fundamentally misanthropic; he hates all kind of non-asynchronous conversation and pretends he cannot speak a word of English to avoid human interaction. He is a human-hating cunt in need of therapy.

Reason #10: FHC beats his mum.

You too can contribute to the 2006 Grand contest “why is FHC such an asshole”. Send your answers to [email protected] and you could win LL’s full custody. The FHC is an asshole contest (the "Contest") is organised by FHC’s resurrected blog ("le blog") and managed by Pedro and Maria (hereinafter collectively referred to as "the Mexican immigrants"). Participants are taking part in this contest at their own risk and we will not be liable if they are not happy after they win LL’s custody because i) he studies all the time, ii) he has a bad case of internalized homophobia, iii) he moves a lot in his sleep, iv) he does not cook or clean, v) he only talks about Law School, vi) he is “friend” with Ben T. etc…etc….

In which FHC shares his tactic to look smart in front of celebrities

Running into a mainstream celebrity or some prominent political figure is a really embarrassing situation for me (for once I am not talking about a local gay celebrity like Rodolphe B. or the TTs to which you can always charm with such lines as “nice tan” or “are those real muscles or steroid ones?”), moreover because deep down I am a starfuck*er and my English is only fairly accurate. I think I discussed this with Fagat recently who was mentioning how bright and insightful his own conversation was - after all it’s somehow his job to be charming with celebrities to betray them a little later if I understand well - and how he impressed one of my favorite writers at a recent dinner (by discussing killing service people or something morbid like that I believe). For me every attempt to go over and start an original conversation with a public figure always ends up in a terrible and shameful fiasco. I remember once traveling for 8 hours straight with Bernard Henry-Lèvy (a French intellectual - if there issuch athing - for the neophytes) and another time next to Mrs. Levitte (both time we were wearing pajamas which made it even more uncomfortable) and both time was quite uncomfortable to the point that I could not concentrate on anything or even sleep the entire trip. I felt really compelled to act in a strange manner to ignite their interest and imply that I was Jewish but I think I just come out as an annoying retard. As Wendy Rieger said "It's like having your parents in the room with you" – I always pretend I am jewish with my parents. I talked a little to Mrs. Levitte but just starred aggressively to BHL the entire time. I really wanted him to love me so badly and he… really did not want to be disturbed; I thought my aggressive look could lead us to chat for a few hours so he would mention me in his next book (which eventually happened to be some piece of trash about Tocqueville and the US…whatever). I should have told him “so I noticed your wife had her ribs removed, how does that work out for you?”. Starring aggressively, running away and acting as if I hadn’t noticed someone’s presence constitute my defensive techniques when I am uncomfortable… it is something I do for crushes too…I stare at my crush aggressively …if I look at you with a mean look and then ran away I probably have a crush on you. People say I have a bad attitude but I actually just have a lot of crushes. That’s something quite awful about DC, is that you sometimes find yourself face-to-face with some master of the universe and very often with the Dalaï-Lama (talking of awkward starfuc*ers) and would really need to have something witty to say so you could end up with a cool celebrity story …

In which FHC joins yet another online networking community

My interaction with Chris on my space was quite disappointing so far because I really don’t know how to interact with 18 years old kids. I just don’t. Particularly if they are trashy:

From: FHC

Please let's chat.

From: haha ... no i will not have sex with you ...

lol whats u p

From: FHC

Listen I just read your profile thoroughly and noticed that you are not only patriotic, influential in organizations, competitive in everything but also that you love to be loved. So I was wondering if you would not also be some kind of a high school diabetic intolerant bigoted Islamophobe Republican struggling with depression since you were 12. Were you brought up a Christian too? If you’re not that’s ok. I just think you have a lot to deal with. Also I used to live in MD, close to Crofton. JK I have never even been to Maryland but I would really like to learn about your state. I feel that I already know you... Also who the f***ck is Jack’s Mannequin?

What I really need is Ivy League 18 years old…ah ah ah…facebook. You see facebook is nice because it’s terribly discriminatory based on your education (people like Kevin D. who was home schooled by his witness of Jeovah parents are excluded). I really wonder who wrote “Facebook is just one more way we’ve discovered of bridging the social divide”. LL, on the other hand, like any good Ivy League wh**re has been cruising facebook daily for the last year and a half. Well LL, you are busted and I just “poked” you (this is a term us facebook people use  “poke a friend”) Thank god, I frequented very briefly an American college and therefore managed to OPEN A PROFILE today with the underlying hope to infiltrate yet another A-list girl clique. I still have to complete it as I was busy coming up with a personal statement and joining jews groups (a key to successful online networking in my humble opinion but what do I know) – this time I’m really done watching TV – I am busy. Will I get invited to dances ? I hope so.

It reminds me of Jim S. who used to respond to the question “define yourself in 3 words” by “not on friendster”.

In which FHC says all the truth about his pathetic Sunday

I was really going to blog something clever today but I woke up quite horny this morning. Usually in similar situations, I ended up snacking a little more than usual but as I am on a very strict diet since late yesterday, I had to find some alternative. I hesitated very briefly to surf Craig’s list “casual encounters” but instead, as being unfaithful is frowned upon particularly when you live in a really small place, I decided to go on a long bike ride by myself along the Potomac River. It was charming and very sundayish.

I also tried to dig out some pictures of Dominique de Villepin’s son, Arthur(now 19), as I was told by someone (maybe my cousins who obviously are Lubeck rats) quite recently that the kid is charming (the sister is pretty too). I admit that was very gay of me. I apologize. This was impossible mostly because the wireless connection of my neighbors is really becoming unreliable (selfish bastards) and I suspect that the French secret service cleaned up internet. I ended up finding only pictures of his father in swim trunks and had to conclude that sadly the French Prime Minister has a much nicer body than FHC (we only have 25 years of age difference). I also found two French blogs I enjoyed.

That is how I wasted another beautiful Sunday.

In which FHC notices that he does not have any friends at all

It is quite strange. It’s 6:19 p.m. and I just noticed that I forgot my cell at home this morning (or lost it on the way to work I am not yet sure…it’s a RAZR they are very slim and unreliable not unlike Kevin W.). What is strange – and tragic - about it is that it is quite symbolic of my complete lack of social life. I am so used to never receive any phone call from anybody that I can go a whole day without my cell phone and not noticing it until the time LL usually remembers that he has a boyfriend (around 6 – 7 p.m. depending on the days). An alternative excuse is that my day was hectic…or maybe I am just a very lonely f*ck and that is why I over eat and I knit (and also sometimes at night I call my therapist's voice mail just so I can hear her comforting voice). Maybe. I’ll go to Results tonight to see if I can chitchat with Rodolphe B. in the stairs. It will feel warm.

In other news Mark H. sucks balls, Stefan just strated a relationship with Kevin D., LL (who now signs his e-mails “Justice LL”) has been begging me to take him Easter egg hunting at the White House, I wept for hours over the fact that Jessica R. returned to the States (it’s just too unfair), ABC heard that I got a new ipod and I downloaded all CNN podcasts (BUT will FHC’s exploration of new technology ever stop ?)

In which FHC discovers podcasts

How exciting, always on top of the Pop Culture, our friend FHC chose this beautiful NYC day to add some Brini Maxwell’s NPR PODCASTS (is Brini a drag queen or what?) to his i-pod (I wanted to listen to Ari S. but apparently the kid is a little behind his time). It was all very easy and painless. I even added the French news video podcasts. I’ll listen to it on my way back to DC and let you know all about it. I guess it is time for me to look into porn podcasts. What would I do without all this amazing yet stressful technology ?

We also spent part of our afternoon squatting some tea room called “Bergamotte” (which I believe is Russian for tea) but I felt guilty to occupy one of their only table while our limited purchasing was clearly not justifying it and we had to leave hastily. I also dug out from my very personal files a picture of my slim years for LL (which apparently overlapped with my slutty and my druggy years….what a coincidence! I also listened a lot to the “Winner takes it all” and “Mr. Bojangles” around that time) and the f**er refused that it wasn’t just another of my photoshop scams.

We went to see “the Inside Man” yesterday evening which was plain awesome. I recommend it highly. The Soundtrack is mostly around this charming Indian song called CHAIYA CHAIYA in which I could swear they constantly repeat “Cookie Jar” (I have had this song in my Bollywwod play list for years I must admit).

Ill-gotten gains seldom prosper.

So that’s it I received my computer and my i-pod (we are not yet in NYC as there a little UPS mix-up and we should be on the 5 pm shuttle now). What's left to hope for? Life feels like a bottomless pit and I have never felt that anxious. Not only do these new toys pave the ways for thousands of opportunities to buy other useless accessories (such as a desk as an example) reinforcing my dependence on the corporate world but I am now condemned to live in terror over the idea of losing what represents 10 years of savings for me. What will happen in the plane when my laptop will be in the overhead compartment? Can I trust US airways attendants? What if some S&M gay on its way to the black party bully me into giving him my i-pod? I am awfully nervous. There is so many stories of little gay men being roughed up because of their expensive ipod. This is just so confusing; I wish I could become poor again like in the good old days when I was living at U-street Cardoso (at the time where dealers were still getting shot at the corner every two days) and I had to beg my friends to advance me rent money (R.B. would refuse and Sergio would kindly accept). I think I’ll buy some Vilebrequin swimtrunks to feel better about myself this week-end. Kisses. Fabrice

Christmas in Autumn or whatever

One day of good weather like the one we had today in DC, makes me yearn for winter. The sun in my eyes highlighting the nerdish pallor of my face, GW’s college girls poor summery fashion, the make your own polo advertising and the odor of my own sweat are just too unbearable. Thank god it's snowing this week-end.

Not only was it a sunny Monday but also a terribly busy one which explains the poor quality of my blog entry. The mad-cow disease re-appeared prompting LL to suggest that “from now on it will be broccoli for 3 meals a day” [as if the kid could cook broccoli]. Some Christmas pictures of LL “looking like a scared rabbit” at my parents’ house showed up in the paper and am glad to reproduce them for your viewing pleasure. Also I came to realize that I have been confusing the word “sensitive” and “sensible” for years which might explain my reputation at work. I had lunch with Arturo R. so we could share some of our crackhead years memory and count each other white hairs. Finally LL is expected to come in town tomorrow night and we have a busy week ahead of us taking care of undisciplined pet.