FHC’s resurrected blog

In which FHC gets a surprise visit and klonopins it away

It all started really well with “Good morning Baby”: by Dan Wilson & Bic Runga playing in the background. At least I felt I could make it through the day (even if I now officially weight 142.5 pounds) without puking. But by 1:00 p.m. I had to take a Klonopin because some distant ultra conservative and very snobbish cousin of my mother and her husband (which are very good friends of my parents and unbearable) called to say they were driving from New York to have dinner with me (of all people). I had to cancel an amazing dinner party at the Gs and brace myself to look like a normal (straight(ish)) human being. I ran home at lunchtime to collect all my Têtu magazines and the pictures of my exe lingering everywhere, I also put away half of the beauty products in my bathroom.

I tried to book a table for there at Cashion’s eating place and was offered 6 p.m. or 10 p.m. What the f**ck ? we are not in NYC yet? are we ? Impossible to get the New Bourbon on the line. I am just planning a walk-in at Saint Ex which might turn into a walk-in to Local 16. It has been such an hectic day that I might have to pop yet another Klonopin to go through dinner.

In which FHC stumbled on a piece of news

Oh, my God! They killed Jonathan H.! Those bastards!"

In which FHC gets to discuss Why Americans are just sexier

The exclusive purpose of my strategic relocation to the US, in what I like to remember as the pre 9/11 era, was to sleep with (many) Americans: I always felt they were just sexier. First, Americans are more muscular. Growing up and to some extent nowadays (to the extent that we are not completely polluted by the American culture), muscles are, in Europe, considered to be synonym of hard labor and therefore poverty. Being meak, pasty and frail was the privilege of the people who didn’t need to push carts full of coal in the mine (or whatever the working class does in the mine: I have never been) or work in the fields to feed their family and were able to rely on their intellect (or family fortune in the worst, albeit common, scenario). I, of course, converted quickly to the new American paradigm that “fit and tan is beautiful” to the point that I joined Results in 2003 (symbolically, I don’t go there). The second explanation is that I started drinking more heavily after I reached Ellis Island. The third element of answer is that Americans do not really “feel” (I won’t get here into a complex analysis of the reasons behind their lack of emotion because of a 250 words limitation but will direct you to the roots of Protestantism). And after all, what is sexier than some muscular heretic boy without any personality when you are completely wasted at 3 a.m. in a gay club ?.

Thank you for your attention and see you tomorrow for a special on “Why Americans like X-mas so much”.

In which FHC swears he'll never read a book ever again

I am almost done with the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand that my ex-roommate dismissed yesterday with a contemptuous “that’s cute but you’ll soon re-discover reality”…just in case the rest of humanity hadn’t noticed that there is a little disconnect between the typical Ayn Rand’s character and your average preachy JR’s drunk. I love to get political lectures from people who outlawed Communism and still really believe that there is a significant difference between democrats and republicans. I mean in my country when we vote, we are always one step away from a wide-scale genocide, the nationalization of private property or the withdrawal from the EU. Here national elections are mostly about tax breaks for nest-building petit bourgeois, social security and the pledge of allegiance. Sure lately Democrats like to think that the difference between them and Republicans is that Republicans are warriors but we all know that the war in Iraq is not about political parties, it’s mostly about personalities and immaturity. Americans have been for quite a long time uni-thinkers and parties are just here for the democratic decorum. And in any case, more than a political essay, the fountainhead sounds like a celebration of the United States.

Anyway the damn book was recommended to me by LL who prides himself of not having any emotion besides hunger and is also a huge closeted-republican who deeply believes in Capitalism, individualism and immigrant’s oppression as well as homophobia. All the values that Rand apparently shared. You can imagine that for someone who sees himself as one of the lucky chosen ones and once told me that “Tax is robbery”, "the virtue of selfishness" is an appealing concept. The only problem is that he did not mention to me that this book has the lowest credibility imaginable: even the gays make fun of it, even people who cannot spell her name make fun of it. I believe that it’s because she is too mainstream, has Russian origins and is a feminist: above everything else the gays hate mainstream stuff and Russian women. Apparently, I spent three months or so reading a book (You should read the thing…it’s not easy) which I cannot even use for small talk purposes to get laid at gay parties. I am pissed off.

In which FHC does not move to NYC anymore

I was very briefly considering moving to Manhattan yesterday night along with ending my existence (I had just watched the long version of big blue in which two people end up drowning themselves basically). But then I just realized that this was a ridiculous idea because I would be miserable: I hate New York. People still have social lives and go to cocktail receptions and charity parties in New York. They even have a social diary like the Bottin Mondain but vulgar and they patrickmcmullan themselves constantly. They are genuinely afraid to be boring and talk about literature, fashion and arts. All things I have been fortunate enough to be sheltered from during the last six years in DC. Men even wear uncomfortable clothes. They might be a little short on the degree side compared to DC but they dress well. Consequently being gay isn’t even edgy in NYC (please note how Luigi Tagini is yummy btw… I still have to open my September Vanity Fair which is a clear sign that I am not well), you have to be at least bisexual if not more. They do the week-end thing in the Hamptons and then in Saratoga and vacation in Palm Beach but very rarely cook barbecues and absolutely never go camping in the woods. They sip mid-afternoon tea at the Yale club and they smoke and drink and pride themselves into being unhealthy and unfit. They often have very big heads on tiny bodies. I prefer to stay in DC and buy myself a hamster cage and take a carcass disposal class at GW.

In which FHC disappoints once again

-         We regret to inform you we were not able to blog today because we did the professional thingy. We cannot all be wealthy law students., can we now ?; -         We are not a member of the Clay Aiken’s fan club. Why do you ask? Are you? -         We could go out to Apex tonight, dance shirtless, get smashed but no…we won’t…we will stay at home trying to look and smell depressed because it feels like the right thing to do; -         We are certain that the messaging function under friendster does not work because we haven’t received a friendster message for months; -         I pimped my cleaning lady to a self-deprecating girlfriend of LL today; -         Sunday is Adams Morgan Day : maybe a great opportunity to flirt with neurotic indie boys but I won’t go because I am afraid to run into Sarah of Zipcar.

In which FHC evokes America self-confidence

The US does not value sufficiently humility. America teaches very early on to its kids to loudly brag about their achievements and embellish them. It confuses discretion for meekness and politeness for fear. This is illustrated by the fact that young graduates will send you five pages long resumes which tell you nothing about their real faculties but a lot about their misperceptions of themselves. Resumes are the American corporate version of the French “soufflés”. This is also very clear in the university “class notes” (always submitted by the alumni themselves) where Christopher Malagisi as an example, SPA/BA ’03 takes credit for “putting together the only American government led election observation delegation”. I personally trust much more the self-deprecating approach of young European interns who sit silently in their cubicles, reading books and taking notes, until their mid-thirties at which time they let their actions speak for themselves. Humility makes stupidity and lack of wisdom so much more bearable. America also considers bluntness and self-confidence as extremely important characteristics for success. Consequently, we all find ourselves having to listen to voices who feel entitled to contribute to discussions even when they have very little to say and no relevant knowledge or experience. It reminds me of my ex, yet another ivy-league graduate waiting tables, who, when he was 20, came out furious of a dinner party which included older and distinguished guests because in his own words ”nobody paid any attention to him” even after he decided to take his shirt off. All American have this hidden belief that they are someone or might become someone, that they are too the chosen ones. Actually they were told so, often by Mark Twain himself. Unfortunately this is a great lie: most of them are called to a mediocre and obscure existence which could only make sense as part of a greater organization or community. However that terrible quiproquo alone motivates Americans, blinded and deafened by their self-awareness, to take too much room in the street, talk too loudly and fight for a business class seat even when they fly economy. They mistake their own racket for talent and sacrifice the common goods to their small interests and personal hopes. That also explains why they are so numerous to apply for “American Idol” and why you can’t find a plumber anymore. As a friend of mine put it “we think that the people that get ahead are the people who are aggressive”. Unfortunately in the words of Goethe: “There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity”. It also explains why so many Americans have very little humor because they were engineered to ignore their flaws and never laugh at their talents. I think that the main explanation is that Americans were unfortunately deprived of the wonderful experience of communism, or at least socialism, by McCarthy. The capitalist individuality and egotism might have been instrumental to the US relative economic success but it also came with the constant unbearable noise of these empty inflated egos colliding against each other everywhere.

In which FHC cheers for the juicy giants

So yes… I went to the game yesterday. It was terribly boring as one would expect, looks a little silly and even the coaches seemed apathetic. I was waiting for the whole thing to heat up with a  “W” on my forehead and then it was finished. I tried to make the “Who is in the first base ?...who?” joke but LL rolled his eyes and bought me a cap so I’d shut up. Everybody was booing this poor guy, Barry Bonds, screaming “juice” and LL even threw one of my diabetes syringes at him. Each time I would express my worries that it might impact negatively on his well-being I was told with a sneer that “he made a lot of money” or “he is a millionaire”. I concluded that in the United-States, there is a popular belief that it is ok to be hated as long as you are wealthy. I wanted to hug Barry and squeeze his big boned body. I thought I would try to be supportive and seek his autograph along the fenceline but LL would not let me.

What’s the problem with Barry using steroids exactly? I mean: I always thought that cheating and treachery were the American ways of winning, the Tour de France in particular. Perhaps Barry has a “thyroid condition” too. That is what I revere about America: how little it knows itself.

At least I understood that there are other usages for a baseball bat than beating up Olliver when he shows up in my bedroom chasing for my delicious foam earplugs. As B. Shaw once said “Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended”.

In which FHC leaves like a Prince

Manicure/pedicure: $40 + tip, haircut: $50 + tip, fake baking: 2*$14 = 28, Vilebrequin trunks (one size too small): $160, spending 5 days with 30 obnoxious family members on an island: priceless. As usual, it is pretty certain that I won’t be able to blog during my absence...at least until next Wednesday (…you have some idea what Cyprus is like: Cancùn without the internet connection but more cute guys) so our friend LL can be as witty as he wants for the next few days. Ok kids I now am on my way home and then directly to the airport for the 10:10 p.m. to Paris slightly stressed as our last day at work was quite hectic. Thank you for your Patronage. Keep up the good work.

Allons enfants de la patrie....

I would have blogged about the French demonstrations but I already did that earlier this year when you reported on yet another French revolution brewing in the Banlieues, so please refer to my previous entry. On CNN.com, France always appear to be going through a civil war, it’s just amazing. It’s as if the guy who made “Le Divorce” was also in charge of all news relating to the French social “situation”. Nothing like French bashing by French people to make you happy… you sneaky little conformist bastards. Okay, so French people are always demonstrating their discontentment towards their government and that pisses you off because you wish you would live in a real democracy too. After all isn’t it the ultimate freedom than to rebel against your own government. You probably suspect by now that there is a little “je-ne-sais-quoi” which is sexually exciting about revolution, contestation, strong emotions, tight stomachs and pretty clothes. Admit it. That’s ok. And get over it now, you are in the US and it is all about healthy food, sweat pants, the apprentice and bringing freedom to the universe. And I am proud to be a French man where at least I can be unhappy And I am proud of the Frenchmen who demonstrate for me…